That hurt so much that it has taken me about eight months to share bits and pieces of that pain with you guys. It hurt so much that for several months I would cringe at just the thought of seeing and old friend and having to tell them the phrase "we broke up". But I think life is one giant school book full of lessons for me to learn. So I want to share just a little bit of what I learned and how it applies to you guys.
But before I go on, let me just say that I have nothing but love and respect for this person. It is foolishness to think that teenagers have it all together, and I know he never meant to hurt me. I don't pretend to know what he must have been thinking, but if you think being a girl is hard, try being a guy after God's own heart in a society that encourages the complete opposite. I may not have it easy, but he's not off the hook either.
I learned a lot through my pain, and I have God to thank for that. But I want to compare my situation with your recovery. So here's what I learned that YOU have to remember:
- No one said that love was easy.
- Live in the NOW.
- Regrets are for pansies. Seriously.
- Life does not flirt. It's either go big or go home.
- God may be silent, but He is NEVER absent.
No one said that love was easy. The bible describes love in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 (look it up), and I have to thank God for the fact that it never says "love is easy". You want to know why? Because I have a lot of trouble with love. In every aspect of it. But especially when it comes to loving myself. If I mess up, it doesn't matter if it's in a big way or a small way, I will beat myself up for it. I fail at being patient and kind and humble with myself. I will extend any kind words to anyone, but ask me how many times a day I compliment myself...not many. You have to be patient with yourself, and kind with yourself. Maybe you were clean for 2 months but you gave in and cut today. Ok. Tomorrow will be another day. You're not a loser for giving in, you lost a battle in a tough war. But maybe giving in is not an option for you (those of you fighting addictions), then I encourage you to love yourself enough to resist the temptation.
Live in the NOW. This guy and I made a lot for plans for the future. They were really cool actually. But I found myself thinking about the future a lot, and all of a sudden I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't think about OUR future. I was so involved with my future that I forgot about living my present. See, the last couple of months I have learned the difference between living IN the moment and LIVING the moment. When you live in the moment, it gives room for the so called "going through the motions", but when you LIVE the moment, you experience everything to the fullest. So whether I'm crying, or laughing, or sobbing, or smiling, I live every moment as if it was my last. Taking in every once of joy, or every breath of pain. I enjoy the little things now more than I ever did before. My future is in God's hands, my present is here for me to experience now. So do just that. Forget about whether or not you'll be well tomorrow, in two years, or three years, take it one day at a time. The road to recovery is bumpy and full of potholes, that's true for every single person who's struggling.
Regrets are for pansies. Seriously. Let me make this clear, my relationship with said boy was neither a mistake nor a regret. I do not regret dating him, I regret not being more understanding. I do not regret being his friend, I regret not leading him to God the way I should have. But regrets are for pansies, because unless that person is no longer with us, we always have the option of at least trying to mend the damage that was done. I have that option. Maybe not the courage, but the option? Oh yes. You need to mend that damage within yourself. Just because everyone else has regrets doesn't mean that you have to have them too. Not every step you take is a mistake simply because you found it to be faulty at some point. A setback is just a set up for a comeback. NEVER ,EVER give up on yourself. Don't even think about it.
Life does not flirt. It's either go big or go home. Following the break up God brought forth the most challenging months of my entire life. My best friend was gone, and at first I thought THAT was bad, boy was I in for a big surprise! Life is going to pile on struggle after struggle and each one is going to be harder than the one before. I've never had a big struggle that was not followed by an even bigger struggle after. Life does not flirt. Be ready for that. But the best part of that is that a big struggle is the foundation for the strength you're going to need for the next one. My broken heart prepared me for the months that followed. If things suck now, know that you'll be stronger the next time life hits you. You're in recovery, life is not going to make it easy for you.
God may be silent, but He is NEVER absent. A silent God and an absent God are two different things. Just because He's not speaking doesn't mean that He's not there. Or that He's not in control. The reality is that you may not believe in God, but He is not ignorant to your tears. That's who He is. He loves you THAT much! In my pain, I knew God was listening to my prayers, and my complaining, and my crying. I knew He was listening, and He was answering, but sometimes He wasn't, sometimes He stayed quiet and waited for me to make my move even if I was confused. But I knew He was there. Know that.
This is just a surface of what I have learned. I hope this helps you guys, because it has helped me :)
P.s Journaling is a wonderful coping mechanism. Seriously, you guys need to try it.
~ Diana :)