Here's the thing. Our twitter was made on Sunday June, 16 2013...and there's already about 200 of you following us. Holy cow. That seems extremely surreal to me and it shows me how great God is.
Believe it or not, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU means something to us. I speak for both of us when I say that these first few days have been quite difficult since we are realizing how much pain you guys are truly in, how much you have to deal with every day of your lives. We understand that it's not easy. Personally I have been in your position, I have struggled with wanting to kill myself everyday, with finding anything, the tiniest thing to cut myself with. Although I did not cut nearly as much as you guys do, I understand where you're coming from. So I want to tell you guys about one of the saddest nights of my life, it is because of THAT night that I will never, EVER give up on any of you, thinking about it now that night changed my life, because after I felt that pain, I realized I never wanted anyone to feel that. SO here it is:
It was on Thanksgiving 2009, not my best year, my parents were getting a divorce and I had started my short lasting fling with depression and suicidal thoughts. It was supposed to be a great night! My moms family was all gonna get together, I was gonna get to hang out with my cousins and my siblings and there was going to be food and chatting and all that good stuff! BUT it didn't go that way. First, my mom made me change my outfit. No big deal right? I mean moms do that all the time. But mine made me feel worthless with her words. She made me change it simply because she didn't like it, then she proceeded to tell me that I looked bad because I looked fat and blah blah blah. That angered me (and during this time of my life I was kind of like the Hulk, always angry) and put me in a terrible mood for the rest of the night.
Once we got to my cousins house I thought I could just push the anger aside and let it be. Well...no. For some weird reason my little brother thought it would be a great idea to punch me in the face when I was trying to discipline him, which resulted in me turning into a great green monster and....ok just kidding, but that would have been cool :) lol It resulted in me hitting him, so my mom confronted me, which resulted in my not-so-dear-but-always-willing-to-judge-uncle grabbing my arm and threatening me as if he was my father, which again resulted in my mom yelling at me. That led to me crying my eyes out. I remember hiding everywhere I could and just crying, I didn't want people to see me cry.
Then I hid in one of the rooms and found a liquid, I read in the instructions that drinking it could kill you, and although I was scared...I wanted to try it, I wanted the pain to end. I was done with being angry and sad all the time, I was done with all the pressure to loose weight, I was so angry at God, I was so angry at my parents, so angry at...LIFE! So I took the bottle, I opened it and stared at it for a while. With my face extremely wet from too many tears...I took a sip. It didn't taste good, but then again, neither did life. So I took another one, a bigger one. Then fear hit me, fear of dying, fear of not knowing where I would go after I died. You see the only thing that I hated more than life...was death.
So I began to say in my head "what I'm I doing?", I closed the bottle and put it back where it was, I began to shake, I went upstairs to find a phone. Thankfully my older brother had stayed home and I proceeded to call him, I thought he could help me. I was crying so hard, very few times in my life have I cried as much as I cried that night. When he picked up I could barely speak, I said "I drank some _______, I wanted to kill myself" and his response cut me deep, deeper than any blade has ever cut me. He said "STOP THAT! You're so dramatic, we'll talk about it when you get home, GET.OVER.IT"
Wow. Ouch. No sympathy. I was expecting a "wow, ok are you ok? How can I help you? Does mom know? Do you need to talk?"...but I got nothing. He hung up leaving me empty, more brokenhearted than before, crying harder than before. I felt completely and utterly alone. I wanted them to know that they were hurting me, I wanted someone to finally care about my pain, so I wanted to cut, but I had no tools. I went to one of the rooms and found something (I won't say what), it wasn't easy to cut with that, it took me a while to actually get some blood out but I did. My left wrist started bleeding, and my right wrist was red simply from me hurting it. Then fear hit me again, that still small voice was telling me "please stop" so I did. But I was satisfied. And I cried and cried and cried. But at least they would know that they were hurting me. Except, no one ever did...
That night was one of the loneliest and toughest nights of my entire life and everytime I try to help one of you I remember that night, everytime I tell you guys the magic words "I LOVE YOU" I remember that night.
Yes, I love you. I don't need to know who you are to love you. Do you know what love is? Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. THIS is the love that God has shown me, this is the love that I know God has for every single one of you. I love you guys with all your scars, your eating disorders, your imperfect bodies, your failures because I know that God loves you. I love you guys because I have been in your position, I have hated my body, hated my life, I have wished for death, and during every single one of those times I have wanted just ONE person to tell me "I love you", to tell me that I was perfect fat, ugly, skinny, short, tall whatever, to tell me that I was not and I am NOT defined by my mistakes, to tell me that life may be dark but even the darkness must pass.
Every cut you don't go through with, everytime you eat, every day you don't contemplate suicide...that brings extreme joy to us because trust me when I say that if we could visit every single one of you and give you a hug and look you in the eye and tell you that it's going to be ok, we would.
If you ever need just that ONE person, remember that this ministry is run by TWO people. Two people who love and adore every single one of you with all our hearts. I don't know what I would do if I got news that we lost one of you. I pray that day never comes. We are just two teenage girls trying to show you guys that life gets better. It has gotten better for me, and it will get better for you too. We LOVE you. We CARE. We are here for you.
You are not alone my dear. God bless.